mini-breakdown

I had a little breakdown last night. 

See, when you have hardware removal surgery on your ankle - there are a few things you hear over and over: "it's nothing like the last one" and "recovery for this one is really easy" and "you'll be fine." This is great, because it's an encouraging thought that recovery for surgery #2 won't be THE FUCKING FLAMING HELL that surgery #1 was. But it's also not great - because it doesn't actually help you know what to expect going in, and afterward, it makes people forget really quickly that you're in surgery recovery mode.

Of course, I have a really supportive network of friends and family - I'm not blaming anything on them. Hardware removal surgery is deceptive because you are up and walking the first day, you can move your foot (kinda), visually there is way less going on, and you've already done the physical therapy and everything. So your loved ones will be tricked into thinking that everything's cool. But for me - inside - there is still a lot going on! My digestive system is still weird, I feel a little light headed sometimes, my ankle hurts and is bruised and I have very little range of motion...not to mention, I went shopping yesterday and within 10 minutes of being on my feet I was swollen and limping. Oh! And now I have to walk EXTRA carefully because for the next 4-6 weeks I'll have holes in my bones where the screws are and can re-fracture really easily.

In many ways, it's a lot like recovery from the first surgery. I use the same stack of pillows to elevate, the same ice packs with all its timing and wrapping rituals. I'm back to not being able to do yoga which SUCKS. I'm nervous about going back to work tomorrow (I worked from home my first week of recovery) - maybe I should bring some ice packs with me? I have to be back in sneakers after I've been back to real shoes for a few months and loving it. Ugh, that part is terrible.

The hardware removal, though it may be nothing like the first one, is still surgery...and it conjures up a lot of old emotional stuff. I was able to break down last night with my mom and just talk about all of the stuff that's in pain and freaking me out...so I think I'm ok now. Kinda. There may be another breakdown in my future. After surgery #1 I had little breakdowns literally every single day.  I'll keep you guys posted...of course.

ooooh the paranoia

I've gotta say...one of the worst parts about getting surgery is the paranoia that comes with recovery. In my case, the thing I'm most afraid of - now and after the first surgery - is a blood clot. Soooo one begins to Google. 

This is obviously the worst possible thing to do. But here's the rub: with ankle surgery, especially if your foot/ankle/calf is immobilized afterward, you start to get muscle cramps like crazy because you can't contract and release your muscles, which is like their main purpose in life. So here you are with these calf cramps, and then you remember that something in all that post-op literature you got said that's a major symptom of blood clots. So you Google "blood clot symptoms", and start to get anxious when you see the calf cramps you're feeling. You feel the anxiety in your chest...and as you read on, you see that blood clot symptoms are not only cramps in your calf, but tightness in your chest!! And so on...

Anyway, it's scary. I don't have answers, but omg fuck Google for freaking me out ALL THE DAMN TIME. I'm so exhausted  by it. I can't even advise you not to be scared because if it's really a blood clot you should be getting medical attention!! Ugh. So this time around I'm trying to stay away from Google, but it's hard, and I do have cramps in my calf and pains in my chest again...

week 1 checkup

Today is 6 days post-op, so I went back to superhero (Dr.) Gellman for him to take a look at what I've got going on...

I told him that around my incision was really tight, and he said scar tissue has a difficult time recovering, and just to keep moving my ankle and massaging the area. But not too much, because the incision hasn't healed yet.

Then he took off my tape, cleaned it up, and put new tape on which I need to keep on for another 5 days.

The yellow stuff is something he put on there to help the tape stick - it's not the color of my skin, though I do have a little bruising. 

I can take regular showers now! I've been showering with a trash bag on my leg, and my leg basically up in the air because I don't have faith in the trash bag  method. So that's cool. They didn't have my hardware ready to hand me yet, which was not cool. (Fun fact: Gellman said about 95% of his patients ask to keep their hardware). 

I can't really feel a difference yet between my mechanical ankle and this one - probably because I'm not moving this one like a regular ankle yet and there's still some swelling. I go back to the doc in 6 weeks where he'll take x-rays and make sure everything looks how it should. 

Oh, and I'm off pain meds. I was only on them from day of surgery (Thurs) until Saturday...very cool. Now I also have a pill bottle full of hydrocodone which I have no idea what to do with. 

hardware removal recovery day 2

Just a little video check-in...

ankle hardware removal surgery: part 2

Continued from part 1

Waking Up: As if no time had passed, I was waking up in the wake-up room. My throat didn't feel sore at all like last time and I remember asking the nurse if they used the throat tube to help me breathe again. I have no idea how she responded. I also remember telling her that, if she has anything to say about it, I'd really prefer Hydrocodone to Oxycodone - it made me way less sick last time. I don't remember her response to that either. She asked me what my pain level was, I said 4-5. She pumped some drugs into my veins and then it was like a 2-3.

Recovery: Eventually the nurse wheeled me into my recovery room. My dad said he met up with us for the ride, which I don't remember. He asked me how I was feeling and I said: "I feel well," and smiled. And I did! The procedure itself was like 10-15 mins. I was under anesthesia way less time than the first one, and I could definitely feel the difference. I was groggy, but not INCAPACITATED like I was before. I was really cold so they gave me lots of blankets. I also had a feeling in my tummy that either felt really hungry or like I was gonna puke. J bought me a gluten-free muffin from the cafe so I ate that. Then a new nurse found me some gluten-free bread and toasted it. I immediately felt better. My lips were really chapped but, unlike last time, I brought a recovery kit which included chapstick, a huge waterbottle, and arnica (a homeopathic remedy).

The Wound: I didn't get regular stitches as they had planned (which I would have had to keep in for 2 weeks) - they gave me some self-absorbing/dissolving stitches. Then they wrapped it up with some gauze and an ace bandage. 

There you can see some writing on my leg so they knew which one to cut into - better safe than PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. My toes were cold so we made a toe-hat out of my sock, because it wouldn't fit over the bandage.

Peeing: Eventually I had to pee. It was the same kind of crampy feeling as last time - I think that happens when your bladder tries to wake up from the anesthesia. They brought the potty to me like last time, except the one last time was basically a stool. This one was a chair...nay a throne...it had to be documented for you guys :)

Like last time, I couldn't get it all out - and I would continue to pee in incremental stages the rest of the day. 

Home: I went home around 1p - just a few short hours after the surgery. They wheeled me out, I used crutches to get back into the house, plopped into bed to elevate and ice. My mom met us at home because I knew she'd cry if she saw me in a hospital. She then made me some sliced cucumbers with salt (a favorite after last surgery). 

Walking: Right now I'm walking with 2 crutches, but already bearing a little weight. My ankle is sore, but not terrible...like a headache in your foot - kinda tight, kinda sharp, just achy. I'll probably make some walking videos like last time so you can see the progress. 

Drugs: I'm taking Norco, which is a combo of Hydrocodone & Acetaminophen (Tylenol). I don't feel too terrible - the dosage is 1-2 every 4 hours and I've beens ticking with 1.  I took it a few times throughout the night, along with rice cakes to avoid nausea. 

Sleep: I slept with my leg elevated last night, but everything is so much less sore than last time, and now I'm a professional broken ankle position sleeper, so it came a lot easier this time around. Like I mentioned in part 1, I didn't sleep much last night - it felt like the night before school starting. Thankfully I found Jared Leto's instagram page which kept me more than entertained. 

Changing the Dressing: This morning I changed the dressing...here's how it all looked under there...

Not too swollen or bruised. A little bit of dried blood on the gauze but nothing oozy or smelly. I put new gauze on, wrapped it up again, and put my sock toe-hat on.

So that's that!!! I have a massage tomorrow and a follow up with Superhero Gellman on Wednesday morning. I'll certainly keep you updated. 

ankle hardware removal surgery: part 1

I don't even know how to start this post...

I'm really really happy. Last night I was up for like 4 hours, between 1-5am, just feeling happy that I'm finally at the beginning of the end of this thing. SO! HERE WE GO (This is kind of long, so I've broken it into part 1 & 2...even though both parts are long too. I figure if you care, you really care, if you don't, you'll move along):

The Night Before: My sweet papabear came up from Eugene (a town 2 hours away) the night before and we hung out, had veggie burgers, talked. As I do every night I took my vitamins. 5 minutes later I realized HOLY SHIT THE NURSE TOLD ME NOT TO TAKE MY VITAMINS THE NIGHT BEFORE SURGERY. Should I throw them up? Dad said no. We googled "which vitamins to avoid before surgery" - lo and behold, omega 3's were on there, and I took fish oil. "May cause excessive bleeding". Awesome. I called the hospital and spoke to receptionist who supposedly asked the night nurse about it and they gave me a bullshit answer that vitamins are fine as long as I didn't take ginkgo. I called my surgeon's on-call number and spoke to his assistant. She put my mind at ease. But I was still nervous. It made me have to poop, so I did - which is good considering after the first surgery I didn't poop for like a week. 

Game Day: My check in time was 7:45a, with a surgery time of about 9:45a (I was awake at like 6a). I pooped again in the morning - I think my body was preparing for the worst (bodies are SO SMART). My dad and J took me to the hospital, I checked in, put my gown on and got and in bed. Shortly after the nurse came and took my weight, vitals, and health history (shout out to J for being my photog). 

I told each nurse (there were 2) about vitamin incident - they both seemed to think it was fine. I also told some other random guy who brought me some paperwork to sign. 

God: Eventually the Chaplain came in - even though I told the nurse who called me a few days beforehand that it wasn't necessary - and I told them when I checked in. He asked me what kind of name "Mihal Freinquel" was, and when I told him it was Hebrew he became noticeably uncomfortable. 

"Oh...well...I've been to Israel...I know some people there," he tried to assure me...or something.

"Oh really?" I said. "Cool." 

"I wish somebody had told me you were Jewish, I have prayer cards especially for my Jewish patients." 

"Well, I'm actually non-practicing, so no worries," I said, trying to set the obviously squirmy man of God at ease. 

"Well you know," he went on, "most people in Israel are actually not religious...it's really just the Hassidic people who are." 

I feigned interest in the bullshit that just came out of his mouth. He eventually thanked me for letting him come talk to me, wished me well, and practically ran out of the room - far away from the awkward Jewish girl with no soul. 

The IV and Dr. Gellman: Right when the nurse began to put the IV in, myleastfavoritepartIhateneedlesohmygod, Dr. Gellman - my superhero surgeon - walked in. As promised, I checked with him one more time to make sure he didn't wanna take the plate in the back out. He said "I'm sure you're sure that you don't want me to." That shut me up. Ugh, I love him. Then he started going over how to change the dressings on the wound, how to take care of it, etc. It was sweet because he was clearly trying to distract me from the needle going into my arm, however, all I could think about was the needle so I heard nothing he said. Whatever. Thankfully my pops caught it. 

Anesthesia/The Operation: Gellman left and the anesthesiologist - who was probably 12 years old - came in. I told him about the vitamins. He said no big whoop. Then they rolled me to the OR. Dad and J kissed me on the forehead and I didn't cry this time. Last time I was unconscious by the time I got to the OR. This time I was a little loopy, but fully aware. I switched beds myself and breathed into that face mask you see on TV. Before I was put under, I asked the staff in there if they watched Grey's Anatomy. One guy said he'd seen 2 episodes. The gal said she prefers House. And the other guy said he likes Scrubs because it's the most realistic. They all said I'd have no recollection of that conversation when I woke up from surgery. FALSE. 

on to part 2...

one week left...

Guys...this time next week my ankle will be virtually hardwareless. I say VIRTUALLY because 1 screw and 1 plate are still staying in (unless right before surgery Dr. Gellman suddenly changes his mind, which I plan to try and influence). Yes, I would like to have it all out, but my doc says that the plate in the back is a stabilizer, and since it's right up against the bone I shouldn't ever feel it. It sucks to have to keep it in, but I'm inclined to believe him because he's awesome.

Here's what my ankle looks like now:

Yeah my legs are a little hairy - it's winter and I have a boyfriend who will sex me regardless - what can I say. 

Anyway, if you'll recall, my ankle/scar didn't always look this awesome. It's been a really long road. And just when I'm starting to get strong in yoga again and not have to ice as obsessively...another set-back is on the (very close) horizon. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. SO EXCITED. But I'm also a little scared and kinda like FUUUUCK THIIIIIS. Surgery scares me - I mean, I'd imagine it scares everybody - and I'll be less mobile again which sucks. Rehab sucks. It all sucks and I want it over with so badly. 

So that's that. I'll update you next week - stay tuned!

SAVE THE DATE!

JANUARY 30TH, 2014: 

HARDWARE REMOVAL SURGERY!

the nuts and bolts of it

I went to the doc today to discuss my hardware removal!!!! Like, thank you for existing but ok get the fuck out now.

So anyway, apparently it's a super easy recovery. Doc says I'll be able to walk out of the hospital same day, and should just bring one crutch for soreness. I have to keep it dry for a week because of stitches, and have to elevate and ice for swelling which won't be nearly as bad as the first time, especially because I can put weight on it and it won't be immobilized. So, eager as hell, we set the date for Jan 16th. But then I got to work and my manager mentioned that that time would be really busy and asked me to postpone 2 weeks. Sigh. I called the doc to reschedule but they haven't called me back yet. Now I'm antsy.

I JUST WANT IT OUT. Even though I'm super afraid of surgery. But I seriously can't think about all the damn hardware anymore. Can I please move on with my life for chrissake? Thank you. Amen.

The Broken Ankle Diaries: 8 Months Post-Op

Here are just a few of the emails I mentioned - some are complete, some are just snippets of longer ones:

Broken ankle person #1:

I had ankle surgery 6 weeks and 2 days ago on my lower fibula (one metal plate and five screws) after falling while penny skateboarding. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and being so honest (including the challenges of peeing post-op). Living in a college dorm with no elevator really sucks, but reading your posts helps me realize I'm not alone. I relate to every one of your posts, and find hope when I want to break down and cry like a baby because my friends want to go do something fun and can't understand why I don't "want" to go. Truly, only people who have been on crutches understand the daily struggles (and perhaps our boyfriends who have been there every step of the way).  Good luck with your ankle and I look forward to reading more about the rest of your recovery!

 

Broken ankle person #2:

I broke my tibia down by the ankle and did not have surgery...its been 8 weeks.
I have no pain anymore unless I massage my foot deeply, the dr said I can put weight on the foot w the boot on...actually inside I am walking w crutches and no boot, just w socks on....still no pain. I even tried one crutch only and no boot today and it was slow going but fine/no pain
I am swollen  still and very stiff....but I think I am doing well considering I did not have the surgery. Did you go to rehab??? Or did you do all your rehab at home? Watching your video made me feel so not alone...the crutches are whats driving me crazy...

 

Broken ankle person #3:

Thanks so much for your blog.  I'm approaching three weeks post surgery on a fracture of both bones in my leg just above my ankle and I'm reading anything I can to stay anywhere near centered about what this is like. I normally travel a lot for work so I'm used to new places and new people and new things ALL THE TIME.  Now I'm non weight bearing for six weeks, then working back to walking after that and it's rough. The narcotics and bowels, check.  Sleeping in unnatural positions, check. Altering my diet because I'm a sloth now, check.  Me, the big strong man breaking into tears of depression because I hadn't left the house in more than a week, check. At least with your story I know I'm something closer to normal than I feel. Total?  Three fractures, two plates, 15 screws and two surgical incisions. The bright side is that I actually can work from home...

 

Broken ankle person #4:

Mother-fING shittiest injury of ALL TIME.

Your blog:  I laugh, I cringe, I laugh some more. 

Substitute your J for my two young children and their Dad...and the rest is exactly the same.  One exception, I believe I went off on an indignant verbal tirade on the nurses after my surgery while I was still under anesthesia that probably was not actually working between my brain and body.

Two children with heads like great big melons doesn't compare to the misery of the broken ankle.