mini-breakdown

I had a little breakdown last night. 

See, when you have hardware removal surgery on your ankle - there are a few things you hear over and over: "it's nothing like the last one" and "recovery for this one is really easy" and "you'll be fine." This is great, because it's an encouraging thought that recovery for surgery #2 won't be THE FUCKING FLAMING HELL that surgery #1 was. But it's also not great - because it doesn't actually help you know what to expect going in, and afterward, it makes people forget really quickly that you're in surgery recovery mode.

Of course, I have a really supportive network of friends and family - I'm not blaming anything on them. Hardware removal surgery is deceptive because you are up and walking the first day, you can move your foot (kinda), visually there is way less going on, and you've already done the physical therapy and everything. So your loved ones will be tricked into thinking that everything's cool. But for me - inside - there is still a lot going on! My digestive system is still weird, I feel a little light headed sometimes, my ankle hurts and is bruised and I have very little range of motion...not to mention, I went shopping yesterday and within 10 minutes of being on my feet I was swollen and limping. Oh! And now I have to walk EXTRA carefully because for the next 4-6 weeks I'll have holes in my bones where the screws are and can re-fracture really easily.

In many ways, it's a lot like recovery from the first surgery. I use the same stack of pillows to elevate, the same ice packs with all its timing and wrapping rituals. I'm back to not being able to do yoga which SUCKS. I'm nervous about going back to work tomorrow (I worked from home my first week of recovery) - maybe I should bring some ice packs with me? I have to be back in sneakers after I've been back to real shoes for a few months and loving it. Ugh, that part is terrible.

The hardware removal, though it may be nothing like the first one, is still surgery...and it conjures up a lot of old emotional stuff. I was able to break down last night with my mom and just talk about all of the stuff that's in pain and freaking me out...so I think I'm ok now. Kinda. There may be another breakdown in my future. After surgery #1 I had little breakdowns literally every single day.  I'll keep you guys posted...of course.

SPINNING

I love yoga. You know that by now. Yoga has my heart. BUT GAWDAMMITMOTHERFUCKER there are just certain yoga things I still can't do because I haven't gotten my range of motion back and I still lack strength. So, in addition to yoga and pilates - I had the idea to throw some spinning into the mix. Believe it or not, it demands a really small range of motion from your ankle, and it's a great way to regain strength in the quads, hamstrings, and glutes. I used to be a big spinner in my gym days, but stopped when a hip injury forced me to. These days I don't even belong to a gym - so J took me to the class he likes at his gym.

A few tips for spinning after ankle surgery:

- Don't even think about keeping up with the class - they will inevitably do things you can't. Go at your own pace with your own resistance...and remember: form trumps all.
- In my opinion, I waited just long enough to try the class - I'd say 4-5 months post-op is a good time for it. I made it through the class (again, mostly doing my own thing), but my ankle was fatigued as shit by the end of it. There was much icing that day.
- Make sure you really focus on articulating your ankle joint and challenging your range of motion - it's easy to lock your foot/ankle into a 90 degree angle and just stay there. I sat next to a mirror which was great because I could just look to the side and see what my ankle was doing.
- There are 2 routes to go: sneakers or spinning shoes. Both have pros and cons.

• Spinning shoes cons: they really hold you in there and you can't move our foot around in the shoe very much - you're also literally locked into the pedal and have to kind of jerk your ankle a to get your foot out. That might be jarring for some.
• Spinning shoes pro: they give you a solid base and support for getting out of the saddle (standing while spinning). 
• Sneakers con: when you want to get out of the saddle in sneakers, you won't be able to. They're too bendy and don't provide enough foot/ankle support. 
• Sneakers pro: they let toes and foot wiggle around more which is a good feeling over all. I think. It definitely wasn't a bad feeling.

 I went with sneakers this time (though I debated back and forth...you can see my spinning shoes out in front of me) - I think next time I'll try the spinning shoes.

So that was that. I am a little sore today (the day after) but nothing terrible. I think I'll just do some yoga and ice and I'll be cool. And thank you guys so much for your recent blog comments - they really make my day. It's nice to know people are reading this stuff. 

a little more yoga after ankle surgery

There's a little more yoga progress happening all the time...and when I say "little", I REALLY MEAN JUST A FUCKING TEENY TINY BIT. Anyway, I believe I owe my progress to a lot of things - icing, walking, strengthening, pilates, massage - but yoga has been my main (and daily) go-to. It keeps me sane, makes me less sore, gives me a sense of movement when I still feel I have very few options. So I thought I'd share with you several of my main moves that have helped me see some added flexibility along the way (though again, I'm sure everything is contributing to it).

I chose this image as the video still because I think it's sassy - and when you're recovering from ankle surgery (even 5 months out), sometimes that's JUST HOW YOU FEEL.

i basically do things now

Hi all!!

It's been a couple of weeks since my last update - and I realized yesterday that I'm 16 weeks post-op...yes, that's FOUR MONTHS. That's bananas. 4 months is long, but it has sure as fuck felt longer. This also means I started weight-bearing just a little over 2 months ago. Wow. Time sure does NOT fly when the only thing you think about is your ankle.

But on a more positive note - I've been reflecting on how far I've come. I actually kind of do stuff now. Aside from driving to work, being there all day (walking around quite a bit, which is good), and driving back, I also sorta have a social life again.

I made dinner with my mom for her birthday and then cuddled with J on her couch:

I went to a potluck and hung out all night with friends:

I met a brand new baby:

Aaaand in a few hours, J and I are headed to San Francisco! I'm a little nervous. My feet swell on planes a lot anyway, so I'm nervous that mine's gonna explode. Also, it's the first time I'm going through airport security after my ankle's been packed full o' metal, so that should be interesting. We're renting a car so I'm sure there won't be TOO much walking once we're there - but at the same time who doesn't wanna walk? I love walking. Blah.

In other news, I'm still doing pilates and yoga...my ankle is still tight as shit - my range of motion sucks and I still can't tell if it's getting any better. I want this hardware OUT LIKE YESTERDAY. I've started doing ankle ice baths which feel way better than all other ice options, but they're kind of a pain in the ass. 

So that's my update. I'll let you know how San Fran goes.

thank you god for pilates

Quitting physical therapy was the best decision I've ever made. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome at the beginning, but now that I'm up and walking and feeling more experimental, I really needed a more robust program. When you break your ankle it feels like the only thing that matters in your world is your ankle - but guess what? The rest of your body gets super fucked up too - and that needs to be addressed. Unfortunately PT is more solely focused on the injured body part (which, again, is GREAT for the beginning stages of healing).

So far in pilates I've discovered that my core has weakened tremendously (or maybe it was never strong?), my non-injured foot is SO TIGHT from compensating for the other side, I have some weird shoulder stuff going on from my crutches, etc etc. The movements and exercises we do are slight, but so powerful.

Above is Lavinia, my instructor and friend, in her magical studio of strength and sunshine. Obviously I'm happy to be there. If you live anywhere near the Portland area, I suggest you check her out. She took a video of me on the ankle roller strengthening thing - it's so much harder than it looks ohmygod.

on progress...

Progress is a bitch, man. In some ways I get it - there are certain measurable variables that get better with time. But in other ways, when you're living day after day after day - counting each one while waiting for the next, crossing your fingers that maybe in that window you'll have experienced some of this so-called "progress" - you start to forget what it all really means.

Here is something I have been able to measure: the first major PT goal was to be able to flex my foot back to 90 degrees - meaning my toes were vertically aligned with my heel, forming a 90 degree angle with my shin. To achieve this, we've focused on stretching, massaging, and range of motion (ROM) exercises. In 3 weeks, flexing as far back as I can, I've gone from -15 degrees, to -5 degrees, to 0 (aka neutral, or 90 degrees). This is a good thing, and is necessary to start weight-bearing. PROGRESS.

But then there's stuff like this:

The image on the left is what happens when I try to get on all-four's without the pillow. I have VERY LITTLE flexibility in the front of my ankle and top of my foot. The image on the right is when I try to do a regular downward dog (well I should say this is what WOULD happen if I tried to do a downward dog - that's a position I'm not even attempting right now, the photo is just to demonstrate). Only the pads of my toes can touch the mat, and I can't even fathom sinking any weight through my heel.

My ankle is LOCKED. And where there aren't numbers involved, it's terribly hard to gauge the progress. Sure I'm better on the crutches, I'm not bath-bound, I don't constantly feel like shit, I can do a bit of yoga - though it looks and feels nothing like actual yoga. I'm still in bed most of the day, I'm still taking a shower on a chair (yes, the backs of my thighs are completely unshavable), I'm still not really socializing (thanks again for all the buddies who are going out of their ways to come to me!), I still can't sleep on my right side...all of these things make it really difficult to get a shitload of joy from 5 degrees of range of motion.

So I muster up a little fake joy when I can, hoping at some point it will turn into real joy - like how fake laughter can become real if you exaggerate it enough. I'm constantly fighting my own brain, trying to push away the negative thoughts, trying to stop myself from attempting to define or understand progress. Maybe it will be easier to see when I start walking, or maybe that's still just the beginning...