thank you god for pilates

Quitting physical therapy was the best decision I've ever made. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome at the beginning, but now that I'm up and walking and feeling more experimental, I really needed a more robust program. When you break your ankle it feels like the only thing that matters in your world is your ankle - but guess what? The rest of your body gets super fucked up too - and that needs to be addressed. Unfortunately PT is more solely focused on the injured body part (which, again, is GREAT for the beginning stages of healing).

So far in pilates I've discovered that my core has weakened tremendously (or maybe it was never strong?), my non-injured foot is SO TIGHT from compensating for the other side, I have some weird shoulder stuff going on from my crutches, etc etc. The movements and exercises we do are slight, but so powerful.

Above is Lavinia, my instructor and friend, in her magical studio of strength and sunshine. Obviously I'm happy to be there. If you live anywhere near the Portland area, I suggest you check her out. She took a video of me on the ankle roller strengthening thing - it's so much harder than it looks ohmygod.

hitting the wall of immesurable steps

I feel like I've hit a wall. I've made a lot of progress up until this point - the scooter is gone, the crutches are gone, the boot is gone...I take showers, I do cook and do dishes...I've become basically functional. Basically. And now it's time for the next steps.

The problem is, the next steps are nowhere near as measurable as the first ones. In order to walk fluidly and exercise and do normal people stuff, I have to gain strength, gain flexibility, agility...get all the stuff back that I've lost since the surgery. The progress on this stuff is not easily monitored. So I do my exercises every day, sometimes they make me feel flexible and sometimes they make me feel sore and swollen. That fucking screw is still sticking out of my ankle - perhaps even more so now - and I wonder if all of this hardware is going to have to come out...if I'm going to need ANOTHER surgery...that unknown puts me in a major funk.

I start a job in 2 weeks, am I gonna be able to drive? Am I gonna be able to walk from the parking lot to the building comfortably? How will I know when I can? What level of flexibility and strength and agility is NORMAL? WHAT THE FUCK IS NORMAL???? Am I making progress? WHAT THE FUCK DOES PROGRESS LOOK LIKE? And so on and so forth...

I'm sick of thinking about it, I'm sick of caring - I don't want to think about how bendy my ankle is today, if it's gonna hurt when I step out of bed or do I need to massage it first? I don't want to wonder if my compression sock is actually working or if it's bad that I didn't ice today. I want to think about fun normal people things - like white supremacy in the legal system and overdose and political/religious/economic turmoil and everything that's been in the news recently. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? Does my ankle REALLY need to over-shadow that???!!!

In other news, I bought a car I can't drive yet.

But I CAN stand next to it without crutches, so I guess that's a step...

WALKING WEEK

This week is walking week - YAY!! I mean, not until the end of the week - Saturday - but it's this week nonetheless. My physical therapist says the walking progression usually goes: (1) in the boot with both crutches, (2) in the boot with one crutch, (3) in the boot with no crutches, (4) in a sneaker with maybe one crutch, and then (5) walking in just the sneaker - spending about a week at each stage (unless I'm a total rockstar, which I fully intend to be).

Anyway, I've had a few active days leading up to it all (that usually end in complete exhaustion and some swelling). This weekend my mom took J and me furniture shopping and then out for tacos (unfortunately this ankle bullshit threw a huge wrench into the move-in/decoration process, so we're only now getting to it). I used the scooter for most of the furniture shopping (and now my right quad, the one that goes on the scooter, is stupid sore), and crutched to the Mexican place. Here are some visuals:

 

Chillin on the scooter on the way to a furniture place. I got exhausted from scooting 4 blocks (on an incline!) - for some reason mom thought it made for a remarkable photo-op...that's her in the reflection.

My sweet sweet sweet J - we're very focused on the task at hand.

It's worth noting here that I'm wearing my black skinny jeans - meaning that I was able to point my toe enough to get it through the small leg holes...BIG STEP. I'll admit though, getting them off was not easy.

Sunday was fun - some organizing and rearranging in the house - all of which I did on my scooter and J did on his two very well-working legs. And now I have an entire week ahead of me, which includes LITERALLY nothing but 2 PT sessions and receiving a furniture delivery - I've never seen such an empty calendar in my life...depressing. But walking is on its way!! NOT DEPRESSING. (I hope).

getting into physical therapy

 

Physical therapy stirs up a lot for me - physically and mentally. The massaging and icing feel great - while the stretches and exercises are excruciating. In my gym-rat days I was a "pusher" - always challenging myself to spin faster, lift more, hold it longer. I was in incredible shape, but this mindset eventually led to a hip and back injury that kept me out of the gym for about 2 years, and the pain still plagues me. About a year ago, I fell deeply in love with yoga - where intuition reigns supreme, and I feel like my body and I are in a partnership, rather than in competition. Ironically, I'm in even better shape and have found a way to ease my pain...and my mind.

Physical therapy confuses me (and scares me) because it feels more like the gym than yoga - I have to push hard, do things that feel uncomfortable and wrong - in some ways not listening to what my body wants at all. Everything is unnatural, and watching my ankle (not) move is depressing. I sweat the same amount during 6 minutes on the recumbent bike as I used to during an hour of high-intensity spinning. I feel hyper-aware of the hardware inside my body (did the doc pour cement in there too????! WTF) and feel like I need a major oil lube, Tinman style.

I'm trying to find the yoga in PT - the quiet mind, breathing, and trusting my body to heal - but goddamnshitmotherfucker IT'S HARD.

follow up #2 - GREAT NEWS

I went to the doctor yesterday for my 4 week post-op checkup and left feeling GREAT. My new x-rays showed that my bones are healing well, and doc says it's time for physical therapy - YAY!! He also said I can start stretching and moving my ankle around myself - YAY! (and ouch). Still about 4 weeks left of non-weight bearing (as originally prescribed), so I decided to go ahead and hit up the medical supply store (seriously, I had no idea those things existed) and rented this nifty little scooter. It's not covered by insurance unless you have Blue Cross which I don't, but it's only $100/month out of pocket - like a NY metrocard in the good ol days.

I'm saluting not being on crutches I think? Anyway, I feel a sense of optimism for the first time. I've been longing to go on evening walks with J in this beautiful spring weather - a ritual we've picked up in the last year or so. Yesterday I heated up my own soup while parked on Sir Scooter, which is a big step (even though J had to carry the bowl for me). The doctor even said I could try a stationary bike or swimming (oops, don't know how), or some pilates reformer exercises on low resistance. I've still gotta crutch around - up and down steps, in certain narrow spaces in the house, etc. - but in the larger scheme of things this scooter really helps out.

You know what else helps out?? YOU GUYS. Thanks so much for all of the texts, facebook messages, Instagram comments, and in-person visits - yall know who you are. I'm going to keep publishing this stuff so keep tuning in if you want to. And when I'm not writing, I'm probably just doing this: