pre-op

 DAY OF SURGERY: PRE-OP

Up until this point I'd never had surgery - never stayed in a hospital. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd been in a hospital. I had to be there at 7am on an empty stomach since midnight the night before. They gave me a backless gown (and made me take off my undies so my tush was completely out), checked my blood pressure, weighed me (when did I lose 10 lbs?? whatever, not complaining), and asked me millions of questions. In between each phase of tests and questions, J and I watched the Today Show - I mean, I looked at it blankly, petrified...too many thoughts running through my overly tired mind. I felt very down, outrageously sorry for myself, and couldn't stop thinking about Grey's Anatomy.

The nurse came by with a cocktail of pills - they explained each one, but I can't remember what any of them were, except for an anti-acid for somethingIcan'tremember. Then they asked if I was in pain...UM FUCK YES I'M IN PAIN I HAVE LIKE 3 FRACTURES IN MY ANKLE AND THE E.R. GUY SAID IT WAS ONLY ONE AND GOT MY HOPES UP AND NOW I'M ABOUT TO HAVE SURGERY AND YES I'M IN PAIN. They hooked an IV up into my hand, it stung. At that point only J had been allowed in the room with me because it was such a small space. Once the IV was in they let my dad in - when I saw him I began to cry. "Daddyyy," I wimpered like an injured puppy.

The nurse said the anesthesiologist said she could give me some morphine. Though I relished in the idea of not being in pain, the notion of hard drugs scared me. She squeezed it into my IV and I gasped with a fierce tightness in my chest. I was dying before I even got to surgery, I feared suddenly. Could morphine cause a heart attack? The nurse sat my bed more upright and the tightness subsided. Ugh. Eventually El Anesthesiologist himself came in, asked me a whole bunch of questions (ps how am I expected to know what meds I'm allergic to if I've never had surgery? seems like a flawed system), and he prepared me for how I'd feel after. My throat might be sore if they have to stick a tube down it to help me breathe. The leg-numbing shot they give me after surgery will wear off in 8-12 hours and then I'll be switched to oral and IV drugs. The numbing shot they give me could paralyze me. Standard shit, you know.

Eventually they wheeled me off - I kissed my dad, kissed J - I was frozen with fear. What if I don't wake up? What if I wake up but have no use of my foot because the nerves are fried? "Are you scared?" the anesthesiologist asked me. "Yes, very." I responded, my voice quivering. "Well if it helps, I'm not at all." That helped, and it's the last thing I remember.